Life and the cards we are dealt...

I guess it's always a matter of how we choose to play those cards, but what if we never asked for them in the first place? How do we know which cards to play... what if we lose the game in the end? What would the point of it all be?

Today, more than any other day I've had since the last week in February when I saw my brother for the first time in years... I'm hurting. I'm breaking down. Why couldn't February have gone better? Why did it have to hurt so bad and he say such hurtful things? I mean, I know why... I know exactly why... but I haven't been able to cope, not since then... and not since before then. When I lost my brother and nieces, I lost Kevin at the same time... the time I needed him most. I never even got to cope. I moved back here and I had to figure out how to manage a severely damaged and broken heart, while trying to stay strong and tough for my parents to the point where I wouldn't even cry in front of them or even show emotions toward our loss as a family. The second I feel tears, I somehow manage to stop myself and pull myself together. I could reach out to my friends, but I know it gets old and annoying... it has become redundant, I tell them what they already know yet it still feels good to talk about it but I don't enjoy dumping on them. I feel selfish and like I only care about what's going on in my life... so I try not to talk about it... but my brother is still so much a part of my life that I can't help but talk about it or memories. It makes me so sick. Sometimes I don't even know what to believe... I fall back and just start to doubt everything and wonder if any of it could even be true? I don't feel like any of it could be true, but I almost want to believe that it could if that means having my brother back in my life. I feel like I've lost him forever... my mom said to me tonight, that with all the praying she has been doing, that in her heart of hearts she really believes that God is going to make us a family again. I wanted so badly to believe in that... I believe my mom when she talks about God and these 'feelings'... but, I wish I could feel them too. I keep thinking that in 'time' he'll come around... but then I keep wondering... HOW MUCH TIME??? How much longer must my family suffer and hurt... not just my parents and myself and my other brother, Sean... but Brian as well. We're all hurting, we're all suffering and we just go on living... like nothing ever happened... I can't ignore, I can't be a zombie. Everyday I wake up and I think of my brother, everyday I have some memory brought to mind, everyday I wonder if he thinks of us, misses us... anything. I would give anything just to be able to hug him. To know what it's like to feel his hug again. We were so close... to pretend he never existed, I could never do that. I can't lie to myself. He's so much a part of me and my life... he's my brother. I looked up to him, I was so proud of being his little sister... i still am. Sometimes I wish something bad would happen to me just to see if he'd come back because he doesn't want to risk never having a chance to say 'goodbye'. It's so sickening that I think that way... but I really don't know how to cope with it.

Often times, I feel alone. Hell, I am alone. Who do I have? All I've got is myself. My parents have each other. My brother Sean has his gf. My friends have their significant others. All I've got is me to lean on without feeling like I'm imposing on anyone's life... I just wish I had someone, cause sometimes I don't feel like I'm strong enough to hold it all together. I realize I sound selfish right now. I know my friends have been there for me... but I'm tired of dumping on them, I know it gets old. I guess I just wish I had someone... to love me and hold me and make me feel like things are okay... or will be okay. But that's the thing, I say I want it... but, I don't feel anything. I always feel so numb. I don't care about things the way I used to. I don't even care about myself the way I used to. I used to have so much more self respect and I took care of myself and demanded respect... I feel like I just degrade myself and search for some kind of thing to fill this void... to feel wanted, or needed... it's my escape, my way of coping and it's the worst thing possible... I turn to the same person over and ovoer and continuously destroy myself and lower my self-esteem just to feel okay. It works... sadly... until nights like this, when I have no one to turn to and then I break down and sound psychotic.

What do you do when everyday the wound is wide open? When everyday the hurt is so fresh just like it was yesterday that everything fell apart? How do I deal? How do I move past the hurt??? I could give two shits about Kevin, that's not the hurt I'm trying to deal with... I'm so over him and us and our relationship. Yes, I'm slightly bitter because of how betrayed I was... but it's whatever, it wasn't mean to be. But I don't care about that. I care about my brother and I, we were meant to be brother and sister, if we weren't... God would've never have had us come from the same womb, we would never have been the same blood and we would never have been siblings. We were put into each others lives by purpose not choice. But by choice it seems like we're keeping out of each other lives, although I want so badly to be a part of his. It kills me that I can't just call him up like I used to and hear about what's going on in his life, or update him on mine... I miss catching up or hanging out. We always confided in each other and came to each other. When his fiance broke it off with him when I was just 15 years old... he came to me... his little sister of all people to find comfort and get advice. ME... 15 years old!!! What the hell do I know about love, relationships and the hurt that comes with it? I didn't! But I was there... and I helped pull him through. We went to movies, shopping, we'd sing at the top of our lungs in his car and cruise around, we'd talk for hours on end and just hang out... I'd go to his house and just chill and talk or watch a movie. He was the best big brother... I could talk to him about anything... we always gave each other advice and helped each other out. We had a bond that to this day, no one can take from me... it will always be part of me and it will always be mine and his, nobody elses. Nobody can take what we've shared from me, nobody.

It just hurts, it hurts so bad... I don't tell my parents, I don't let them see me cry, they probably don't even think I hurt. I just suck it up and tough it out around them. Somebody needs to be strong for them. I took on that role. I just can't deal with feeling this way much longer. I can't even imagine what kind of hurt Brian has to be going through... he probably feels like he doesn't have anyone... I just want to be able to hug him. I wish he knew that I'm here for him no matter what... but even then, I doubt he'd turn to me. I know he has to be hurting a lot more than I am. I just want to be there for him. I want to be that 15 year old little sister that helps him see the brighter side when all he sees is darkness.

I just don't understand... if God doesn't give us more than we can handle... why do i continue to feel this unbearable hurt? This heaviness. Why is my brother still hurting? Why is my family still hurt and suffering and torn? I've ran out of faith... I don't even know how I've made it this far when I'm barely hanging on. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I just don't want to deal with it anymore. I can't go the rest of my life without being a part of his life or he being a part of mine. I can't. He's my brother. I don't want to get married, i don't want to let anyone get close, I don't want to have kids... I just want to float on until he's part of my life again. I don't want him to miss anything. It kills me that I'm missing out on his life and my nieces lives... I haven't seen Paige since she was 2 1/2... and Kaili wasn't even a year old the last time I saw her. They wouldn't even remember me, they don't even know who I am... one of the proudest moments of being a little sister was becoming an aunt. I'm missing their whole life... I can't see them grow up, buy them presents, talk to them, be with them... I can't be an aunt. I'm an aunt to two beautiful girls who don't even know of my existence. Who i'll never even get to know. Who I won't ever get to hug... who will never know just how much I love them and want to be a part of their life. That's why I refuse to quit nannying. They're the same exact ages as my nieces... they're the closest I've got... but even then, they don't fill the void... because they're not my nieces, my nieces are irreplaceable. No one can ever take their place in my heart... there are no other Paige's and Kaili's that I'm an aunt to... I can't even tell them I love them. Paige used to call me 'Aunt Thissa'... she couldn't say my name... but it was so cute... she used to tell me I was a princess and that she was one too. We were princesses together.The last time I ever saw Paige, we fell asleep watching the Wizard of Oz... that was the last time I ever got to hold her, hug her, tell her I loved her... the last time I was ever able to feel like an aunt and I never even got to hug her goodbye. And Kaili, I never even got to spend time with her... I was there when she was born but I was only down here for a few months... and when I came to visit I got to see her briefly... she was so cute, so happy... I loved holding her and watching Paige be a big sister and giving them bubble baths. They loved bubbles... Paige loved playing doctor... and watching Winnie the Pooh... the heffalumps... she'd always sit there on the couch with my mom and dad eating popcorn watching the movie over and over and over. I was so proud to be their aunt. They're so beautiful. I hope someday that I can be a part of their life. I hope someday I can hug them again. I hope that I can be 'Aunt Thissa' again... someday.

I really` can't even imagine what my brother is going through right now. I wish I could be there for him. I wish I could tell him that I love him... no matter what. He's my brother and I'll love him until the day I die. My heart aches... I have dreams about him sometimes. I often wonder what he'd do if I just showed up at his house. But I'm scared to find out.

I've been sitting here crying while typing this whole thing. And drinking a bottle of wine. I haven't drank this much since the first week of November. I was doing good... for a whole alcohol was my vice... I drank everyday to 'cope'... but it kept getting worse and worse, I was drinking more and more, and I felt like I HAD to drink. After some events that took place, I stopped cold turkey. And then Halloween happened and I lost it. And then I stopped... but now, I have to cope... I have no other way of coping. I feel like if I don't have a person to turn to that I have to have alcohol. I need physical touch, I need to feel wanted and needed. I'm not saying I'm a slut and that I sleep around because I don't and that's not the case. I just need someone there that is male... weird, I know. I feel like having a male that I can be affectionate toward somehow fills the void of not having my brother. I don't know why but that's how I cope.

I've thought about writing him a letter... but I don't know what to say, or if it's the right time. I keep stopping myself because I'm afraid of the outcome. I'm scared of making him mad or that he'll never come back. I'd rather hurt myself with poor decisions to cope than hurt him more. I'm scared that if he's dealing with things or starting to heal that I would just reopen things.

I just wonder if he misses us, thinks about us... I just wonder what he thinks in general. Or what he's doing. If he still goes surfing... I miss going surfing with him and chillin at the beach. I haven't touched my surfboard since the last time I ever went with him. I try to avoid things that we used to do to not hurt as much... but that doesn't stop memories from showing up. As much as he hates me, I still love him and I'm still proud of being his little sister. I just wish I had a big brother to be a little sister to again.

I'm making myself sick. Not off my wine, although I'm down to half a bottle almost... it just makes me sick when I think about it... my nerves get all crazy. I really do feel so alone. My best friend lives so far away, but I love her so much... she's like a sister to me, I don't know what I'd ever do if I didn't have her in my life anymore. But she has helped me through so much but sometimes I feel so selfish, I wish I were a better friend and went to see her more often... I know we're adults though and we have our own lives to tend to... she's going to deliver a letter to my brother when I write it. She has no idea how much that means to me. She's pulled me through a lot. If anything ever happened to her I'd probably feel the way I do right now about my brother. I always hope that no matter where life takes us that we'll still be as close as we are even if we're far apart when it comes to miles. I'm not saying my other friends haven't been there, because they have... but Tracy is so much like a sister to me, I've known her for more than half of my life.

Anyway... I'm slightly buzzed. it just hit me. So I guess I will stop thinking about my brother and talk about other events. like... I'm officially a college student again. I start back in mid-january. I'm 80% done with my AA... I've been talking to a lady at the campus who has taken me on personally to help and be my personal career advisor, that's not even her job. But I have another meeting with her on Monday. We're trying to find something that I might want to major in. I told her my plans of going to Africa and possibly doing the Air Force thing. She thinks it'd be smart for me to finish my degree first and then decide if I want to do the military. I told her my fear of math, but she thinks once I overcome it and get my AA that I might actually enjoy school and will further my education. We talked about the Peace Corp and my personality and it seems like something I'd be interested in... I've been reading up about it, and it is actually something I'm interested in but again, I have to think about a lot.

My parents offered to let me move home... so I can save money, pay for school, pay off debts(credit card and car loan) and toward Africa. I've been thinking really hard about it, and financially it sounds great. I'm thinking I just might but I don't know yet. I know it'll help out a great deal and I'm already over there a lot... but I feel weird, 25 and living at home... I just have a lot going for me that I haven't had in years.

Blehhh I'm buzzed now, I can't even focus but I'm trying. Beethoven is amazing. He's one of my favorite composers.I was teaching myself how to play 'Moonlight Sonata'... I've always said that I want that song played at my funeral. Not sure why I'd be thinking of my funeral at such an early age and what song I'd want played but I guess it doesn't hurt cause you never know! I also want 'amazing grace' played with bagpipes. Mozart is my second favorite.

I'm really messed up. I don't want to date, but I don't want to be alone. That makes no sense. I used to be a good person. Now I'm horrible. I don't sleep around or anything but I'm not nice like I used to be. I'm not as happy and I cuss a lot more. I workout a lot... makes me sad, because I know my big brother loves to workout, I wish we could workout together... he'd be so proud of me... his weak lil' sis... actually working out and building muscle. He always took care of me... he really was a great big brother. I used to think I was so cool when I was in middle school and he was already in college and he'd drop me off at school. We used to always sing "nothing compares to you" by Sinead o'conner, and 'wimoweh (the lion sleeps tonight)' by the tokens... some UB40 and 'she drives me crazy' by the fine young cannibals... heck yeah, we were cool lol. Neither of us can sing but man we sure did sing our lungs out in his car because it was almost like we were at a concert with the sound system he had.

Heh... I wish things were different. I wish we were a family again. I wish we were sitting around the table this Christmas, laughing and joking like we used to. But once again, like the past few years... there's going to be that awkward emptiness... someone's missing. He may be missing at the dining room table, but he's not missing in my heart... my life will never be the same without him in it. He means more to me than he'll ever know and I regret that the last words out of my mouth we words I wish I had never said... because no matter what, he'll always be my broter and I'll always love him. I just wish God would bring us together again...

Hmm I wonder if I can think of a song. I always have a song with my blogs. I'm so stupid.

Come 'round soon.

I'm so frustrated with people, things, choices, events... I feel stressed out. Thank God next week I'll get a 3 day weekend and I'll be driving up to Virginia to see my Grandma the day after Thanksgiving. I'm actually working on Thanksgiving. 9-3... double pay for working the holiday.

I sold my old iPhone yesterday, finally. One less thing to worry about.

Still have some pretty tough decisions I have to make. Still not sure what to do, I just keep going back and forth in my head.

I wish I understood people better. Especially when it's written all over them, just come out with it... it's obvious. I hate it. Ughhh. I also hate when guys say stupid stuff but can't just admit they like you, a LOT. It's dumb. We're not 12...

I've been working out non-stop. I get lean pretty fast which is good, my legs are already starting to take on some really nice muscle definition. My arms always look toned, more so than usual now. Stomach is coming along nicely. But now that I'm working out more and doing more strength training/muscle building and increased my cardio, my appetite has increased... and with my appetite increasing, I have to really start watching and controlling what I'm consuming... and that's hard. Especially with a sweet tooth.

Anyway, I'm gonna go to bed... I'm exhausted from not sleeping enough, working too much, and working out hard.


I could use another cigarette
But don't worry daddy, I'm not addicted yet
One too many drinks tonight and I miss you
Like you were mine

All your stormy words have barely broken
And you sound like thunder though
You've barely spoken
Oh, it looks like rain tonight and thank God
'Cause a clear sky just wouldn't feel right.

[CHORUS]
He's taken and leaving
But I keep believing
That he's gonna come round soon
(He'll come round soon I know)
You may be my final match
'Cause I chase everything when you play
Throw and I play catch
It never took much to keep me satisfied
But all the bullshit you feed me you miss me
You need me
This hungry heart will not subside

[CHORUS]
He's taken and leaving
But I keep believing
That he's gonna come round soon
Until I see him again
I'm staying believing
That it won't be deceiving
When he's gonna come round

Well I may seem naive if I cry as you leave
Like I'm just one more tortured heart
But, baby don't be fooled
These cracks that I show as I'm watching
You go aren't tearing me apart
I may seem naive if I cry as you leave
Like I'm just one more tortured heart
These cracks that I show as I'm watching
You go aren't tearing me apart

The angels said I'd smile today
Well who needs angels anyway?

[CHORUS]

Millstone.

What an emotionally draining day. Today, I missed my big brother Brian more than anything. It's always tough around the holidays. It is getting to be especially tough because I have all this awesome stuff going on in life that I'd like to share with him and tell him about... I know he'd be excited and supportive of me. I really... really, miss him.

I've gotten good at suppressing my thoughts concerning my big brother and that whole situation, but sometimes... I just have my days and I break down and cry. Today was one of those days thanks to my (2nd oldest)brother Sean. All I want is Sean's support in my decision to go to Africa. He keeps trying to make me feel guilty and says these negative comments to me and it hurts a lot. I understand him being worried/concerned about my safety, just like my parents are, but I don't understand why he can't support my decision and is trying to make me feel bad. I cried all morning and afternoon arguing with him. He said hurtful things to me and it's just really disappointing when the people you think would support you the most (emotionally) are the ones tearing you apart. He doesn't understand, and I can't explain it enough to make him understand without him trying to say something negative or make me feel bad... so I just don't even bother. It's not like I'm NOT scared/nervous/afraid... I've never been this far from home alone before... but I'm not going to live in fear and let it get the best of me and stop me from doing something I've wanted to do since I was 8/9 years old. We just argued most of the day. It was emotionally draining. And it made me start thinking of Brian and how he would've gone about handling this... I know he'd be supportive, there's no doubt in my mind, and instead of making assumptions he'd at least ask questions and inquire and not say anything negative. He'd probably want to come with me. I miss him... and I really can't stand the holidays anymore...

Sean just said some really hurtful things to me, it makes me not even want to be around him. It really hurt and he knows it. I realize safety is an issue and if something happens to me that it would suck terribly... but anything can happen to me at anytime and anywhere... not just in Africa.

In other news, and happier news... I saw BRAND NEW two days in a row! Friday night Ashley (roomie) and I saw them in Orlando... simply amazing.

And then Ashley (from work) and I drove up to Myrtle Beach, SC on Saturday morning and watched them perform Saturday night. IT WAS AWESOME!!! I'm so glad I got the iPhone 3Gs when I did, because I'm pretty sure I recorded most of the show, lol.

We also met some pretty cool people... and ended up going to Denny's with them and hanging out until 5am. Fun times! I don't think I've ever had that much fun and bonded with total strangers... especially after I said to one, "you'll never see me again after tonight" during the show, lol... because he said something in a joking manner, and then I said that in a non-joking manner and then we all ended up hanging out. Good times. They drove back up to NC that night and Ashley and I crashed in our hotel. I didn't realize that South Carolina didn't have a ban on smoking... it was so weird when Ashley and I went to a steakhouse the next day for lunch and they asked us, "smoking or non?"... we both kind of stood there in silence for a second because it didn't exactly hit us as to what the guy just said, lol... I haven't heard that in so long! Anyway, I look forward to another roadtrip with Ashley in the near future... it was a lot of fun. Especially the drive home... we took the scenic route, it was great.

So I've been staying at my parents house, I'll be going home tomorrow... I tend to get stuck over here sometimes. I've been talking to them about a lot of stuff, mainly involving Africa and some life choices and they gave me some options and a lot to think about. So now it has come to the point of having to make a decision... I just need to think a little more. I don't want to hurt anyone or lose friends but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and what's best. I had my dad getting teary on me earlier too... that was heart wrenching. I'm thankful that I have parents that worry and care about me... but I wish I could alleviate some of that worry, I don't mean to make them sad or hurt them by my decisions... I know they just want what's best and for me to be happy... and they worry about me, a LOT.

Anyway, as far as Africa is going... I've gotten some donations already, it's amazing. And I hope anyone that donates will realize that by their donation, they're helping the cause as well. So I hope it makes them feel good to know that they're contribution is semi-allowing them to take part in my journey and be a part of something awesome. I've also been randomly meeting people who have been to Africa so it gives me the opportunity to speak with them and learn more. I also ran into a friend of mine in Target yesterday that I haven't seen or spoken to in a while, and I don't think it was 'chance' that we ran into each other. He's going to Africa in the spring of next year. He wants to put me in contact with the people that are organizing his trip because they're actually missionaries and own the orphanages that he'll be working at when he goes... he said they'll be able to talk to me and show me pictures, etc... just to give me a feel. This is such an exciting adventure... I can't wait... the ball started rolling and it hasn't stopped...

Tomorrow is Veterans day... it's a federal and state holiday. So some see it as a day off... I don't. I see it as a day to be thankful for our military men and women who have served our country. People take them for granted, but I'm thankful for the people who willingly go into this career field, just so I don't have to. Even though the Air Force is at the top of my list right now ;) well, second on my list. So thank you Grandpa, Daddy and Brian for the service you did to our country, and to all my friends and everyone who has served in the military. :)

Well, I guess it's time for bed... gotta get up early to open the fitness center tomorrow. The one day this week where I'd get to sleep in and get a workout in... and I can't. We're on holiday hours so I was picked to work... at least I get paid double!

So the song I've chosen to accompany my blog entry tonight is 'Millstone' by Brand New. It goes with how I feel... this song makes me think of the changes we go through in life. Unfortunately for me, I still feel guilty about a lot of things in life, but this song holds true to about 97% of my life and how I feel at the moment. And when he says 'Father' he's speaking about God... this is such a great song... really.


I used to be such a burning example,
I used to be so original.
I used to care, I was being cared for.
Made sure I showed it to those that I love.

I used to sleep without a single stir,
'Cause I was about my Father's work.

Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

I used to pray like God was listening.
I used to make my parents proud.
I was the glue that kept my friends together,
Now they don't talk and we don't go out.

I used to know the name of every person I'd kissed.
Now I've made this bed and I can't fall asleep in it.

Well take me out tonight,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck,
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

Throw me that lifeline,
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

"They never hit their brakes..."
"There was no time to see..."
"He just ran out in the street..."
"Does anybody know his name?"
"I think I recognize him..."
"He sure as hell paid for that mistake..."

Woah.

So take me out tonight.
This ship of fools I'm on will sink.
A millstone around my neck.
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

Well save my life tonight.
This ship of fools I'm on will sink
A millstone around my neck
{If you'd} be my breath, there's nothing I wouldn't give.

Satellite heart

I haven't blogged in about a week, not much to update on...

Still crushing... haha. But it's whatever, mainly because it'll never happen.

Lets see, where to start...
Friday 10/30: Halloween eve... went to a house party. I was intending to be the DD which ended up taking a turn for the worst and by the end of the night I was definitely not sober. Which was fine since the friend I was driving ended up being sober. It was a bad night, and because of that, I don't think I ever want to drink again. I proved to myself that I have no self control anymore when it comes to alcohol, and it should never come to that. I obviously couldn't handle having one drink that I ended up having like 5, of SAILOR JERRY which is like 90 proof... and I hadn't had a drink in a month (since my b-day, and I wasn't even drunk on my bday, probably not even buzzed), so it caught up with me fast. I was so drunk I didn't feel drunk but I could tell that I was but it's like my mind didn't accept it yet. It was so bad. I don't even want to go into details about what happened. I'll just say that I ended up not being on time to work Saturday, BUT, I was smart enough (as drunk as I was) to call my boss and leave a message, and text... and facebook him, lol. I went into work at 11:30am and pretty sure I was still buzzing. I know, it's embarrassing I called my boss... but he's really like a big brother to me, and I'd rather him know I wouldn't be able to show up and call while I was drunk, than being passed out and not calling and not showing up. I know it wasn't professional of me, but if you know how my job is and how we all are with each other, it wasn't a big deal... there's been worse that didn't involve me. Anyway, I ended up with about 30 ant bites on my feet that night, which I believe was karma. My feet were swollen for 2 days, AND right now, they look like they have the chicken pox. Ugly feet, it's depressing. They don't itch as bad, thank God but I'm probably going to have some horrible scars. Thank God for Maderma! I'm embarrassed even talking about Friday and the fact that I was that drunk. Never in my life have I ever been that drunk, seriously. I'm disgusted.

Saturday 10/31, Halloween: I just worked. Went to my mom and dad's and took a nap. Then I got ready for Tracy and Ryne's 'housewarming'/halloween party. It was fun, the house looks awesome too. I didn't have a single drink, I just drank bottled water all night. And then I drove back to my parents and just stayed the night.

Sunday 11/01: My brother's gf, who is pretty much my sister-in-law at this point, was throwing her mom a 50th birthday party. So I went to that... it was all the way out in Green Cove Springs. My parents came too. It was like the Filipino mafia (his gf is Filipino)... lots of food. I ate so much.

Monday-Today... nothing interesting. Other than this VPP thing that we're going to be 'quizzed' on. Not really quizzed but I guess some people from OSHA and the safety office on base will be coming through our facility and testing our knowledge on safety. And I guess all MWR facilities are the last to go through the VPP testing, and if we all clear it then the base will become a 'star status' VPP base when it comes to safety.

TOMORROW I'm officially signing up for the trip to AFRICA!!! I'm so very, very, very excited about this, words cannot even begin to describe.

Friday, I'll be going to see BRAND NEW in Orlando. My favorite band in the whole entire world since I was 16. Ashley (roomie Ashley) bought us tickets for my birthday, and the day has finally come. We're supposed to eat in the House of Blues too. I'm thrilled to see them. It's going to be awesome. I love this band. They have 4 albums, none of them sound alike. And they're so humble. They don't care about album sales or if they're popular. They just release an album, tour, and then disappear for a couple years and then release another album. It's not about the fame, it's about the music and appreciating their fans. Release c.d., tour, disappear for years just to go back to the drawing board. I'm already anticipating their next album and there's not even talk about them starting a next album. But I wonder if it'll be darker than the most recent one that came out in September. It seems like their sound keeps getting darker and harder. They're such a great band.

I'll also be seeing Brand New on Saturday. Driving to Myrtle Beach, SC with Ashley from work. I think we're equally obsessed with Brand New, haha. But we're road tripping it up there Saturday morning and staying the night there and leaving Sunday afternoonish. I've never been to Myrtle Beach so it should be a fun time. It'll be fun either way because we're seeing Brand New. haha.

I dropped my computer on the floor today, it actually fell off my nightstand and hit my shin and then fell to the floor... I was in shock and just stared at it on the floor. It's not broken though, so that's good. I worked out today too, with Ashley (the trainer from work that I'm going to Myrtle Beach with). She pretty much killed me, but it was a good kill. I feel awesome. I always forget to stretch afterwards though. I asked my boss today about the pain I get in my knees whenever I spin/cycle, he seemed kind of concerned. Told me to do something that's not as high impact, like elliptical. Not really a fan of using the elliptical but I guess that's better than nothing. I'm too young for knee problems. I wonder if it has anything to do w/the fact that I was practically born cripple? I mean, they did have casts on my legs to straighten them from the time I was a baby up until I was like a year old or so. It's weird seeing pictures of it.

Jimmy called me today. I haven't talked to him since July, I miss him. Definitely one of my best guy friends. We talked for a good while and caught up. He's getting stationed in San Diego and switching jobs in the Navy. He told me to come be his roomie, haha. I know he's excited to finally leave Washington though. It was nice catching up. We also ragged on our ex's, lol. Since his THEN girlfriend slept with MY THEN boyfriend. How messed up is that? Our significant others slept with each other on their first deployment and never told us (for obvious reasons, but still)... until Kevin(my ex) got drunk one night earlier this year and told Jimmy. Oh well, Jimmy and I have both successfully moved on from those crappy relationships and I'm proud to say we were definitely the better halves of those relationships. We should've dated each other... haha. I told Jimmy that I see his ex-gf almost every day that I'm at work. It's almost annoying. But at least I'm reminded of what Kevin did to me, which makes me a lot stronger and keeps the thought of not settling drilled into my head.

Well, I guess that's about it. No substance to these blogs, ever. I used to write all the time, my blogs used to have depth... not so much anymore. I used to put more thought and heart into my blogs but now I'm just "blah blah blah"... but oh well. It's always fun to look back on blogs and read about what I did or something at a particular time.

Alright, I'm gonna go to bed... I'm feeling sleepy and it's only 10:45pm! That's progress!

Here's another song I really like that is on the Twilight:New Moon soundtrack.



So pretty/so smart
Such a waste of a young heart!
What a pity / what a sham
What's the matter with you, man?

Don't you see it’s wrong/ can't you get it right?
Out of mind and outta sight
Call on all your girls, don't forget the boys
Put a lid on all that noise!

I’m a satellite heart/ lost in the dark
I’m spun out so far/ you stop, I start
But I'll be true to you

I hear you're living out of state, running in a whole new scene
They say i haven't slept in weeks, you're the only thing i see

I'm a satellite heart/ lost in the dark
I’m spun out so far/ you stop, I start
But I'll be true to you
I’m a satellite heart/ lost in the dark
I’m spun out so far/ you stop I start
But I'll be true to you no matter what you do/ yeah I’ll be true to you

Oooooooooo

Possibility.

My legs, specifically my knees are hurting really bad. Not even my knees, I don't know what it would be called, but the inner part of my knees that would be touching if I put my legs together are sore, but a burning kind of sore... in the muscle. Not sure what it is, but it usually only gets like this when I do an extensive form of cardio like spinning on the bike or jogging... I might need to see a doctor because it has been getting progressively worse. Maybe it's because I have a really bad habit of not warming up, or cooling down and stretching afterwards?

I didn't work at the fitness center today, I had to nanny... which I didn't want to do, but Elizabeth didn't have school and for some reason I have trouble saying no.

Anyway. I'm really confused. I feel like an idiot. It'd be nice if things made sense... or if I didn't read too much into things, I tend to do that often. I wish I understood though, at least the 'why' aspect of it all. I have my suspicions, just nothing to really validate them... oh well I guess.

Busy day tomorrow... nannying, then I have to hit the town center so I can grab some last minute costume stuff. I accidentally ripped the mask to my costume and I need bloomers... because I can't exactly bend over without everyone seeing my hiney.

Pretty sure I'll be signing up for the Africa trip at some point this weekend or in the upcoming week. I am SO excited. It's starting to come together...

Ugh my knees are killing me, I was going to blog but I can't focus because the pain is annoying. I need to go find some tylenol.

This song made me cry. It's on the Twilight 'New Moon' soundtrack. My co-worker, Jacob, burned me a copy of the soundtrack and all I can do is listen to it over and over... it has a lot of great artists.


There's a Possibility,
There's a Possibility,
All that I had was all I'm gonn' get.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

There's a Possibility,
There's a Possibility,
All I'm gonna get is gone with your stare
All I'm gonna get is gone with your stare

So tell me when you hear my heart stop
You're the only one that knows
Tell me when you hear my silence
There's a possibility I wouldn't know."

MMMMMMMMMMMMM...
MMMMMMMMMMMMM...

Know that when you leave,
Know that when you leave,
By blood and by me, you walk like a thief, by blood and by me, and I fall when you leave.

So tell me when you hear my heart stop, you're the only one that knows. Tell me when you hear my silence, there's a possibility I wouldn't know.
So tell me when my sorrow's over, you're the reason why I'm closed. Tell me when you hear me falling, there's a possibility it wouldn't show.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

By blood and by me, and I'll fall when you leave.
By blood and by me, I follow your lead.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM...

Friends.

I had a great workout today. Hour and a half. Thirty minutes of cardio -- brisk walk and some light jogging and the rest was strength training -- mostly full body. I haven't done a good leg workout in a while so my legs are already feeling sore. I need to use the captains chair to do abs, I haven't been doing that lately... just using the abdominal and rotory torso. I didn't even work my lower back today. For upper body I used: ventral tricep extension, vertical chest, and preacher curl. For legs I used: leg press, hip abduction/adduction, prone leg curl, and leg extension. My favorite part about working out aside from staying in shape, is feeling the muscles being worked. And the sore muscles that come the next day. I also LOVE to sweat, I love it... makes me feel like I'm actually working hard. And I love the dirty feeling I get from sweating because I absolutely LOVE the feeling of getting into the shower and feeling gross and dirty and then being squeaky clean after... the clean feeling, it's great, haha. Sometimes I'll scrub myself twice, sounds a little OCD I know, but it's not. I don't scrub myself twice unless I feel really dirty... which I did because I did my cardio outside and it started to rain and I was hitting rain puddles.

After I got out of the shower, Patches was laying on my bed acting guilty. That stinker threw up on my bed! TWICE! and tried to cover it up with the little blanket I have on the foot of my bed for him to lay on to keep fur from getting on my comforter. I was not happy. And he seemed like he was feeling guilty... ears back and tail tucked... he even jumped down and sat in his doggy bed and just hung his head and stared at me like "mommy don't be mad at me". He just kept following me around, like he was begging for forgiveness. When I got into my bed, he jumped up and curled up right next to me and laid his head on my tummy... so cute. I just picked him up and gave him a hug and kiss and told him it was okay. haha. I'm such a mom. I hope when I have kids that I'm never the disciplinarian because I'd suck at it. He's still laying next to me. Hasn't moved... I guess he feels bad.

I'm watching 'Criminal Minds' right now. I like it, I followed it a lot more when I lived in WA.

So my dad got my e-mail, and he printed it out for my mom to read. He ended up calling me, it didn't go over well... we just argued. He prefers I come over on Sunday so him and my mom can talk to me. I don't really feel like there's anything to talk about. I'm just frustrated. I'm not even going to blog about it. I understand their reasoning and their side but, I don't agree with it and they're not stopping me.

So about these dudes I mentioned in the previous blog... I'll start with one I met and hung out with briefly just because I didn't like him the most. We'll call him, 'Ninja Turtle'... he's an idiot. He thinks he is God's gift to women but he's not. He's a jerk and a player. He thinks he's playing his cards right, and he's not. I had him figured out from the beginning... mainly because his so-called 'friends' called him out and made me aware of his personality. He'll text me at least once a week asking to hang out or for me to come over... I hung out a few times until I could tell what he was after, and thought his personality sucked. I don't give him that benefit anymore because he doesn't deserve it and he's a lying, cheating, dirtbag. So the story with Ninja Turtle, two weekends ago he texted me on a Friday night around 1am and asked what I was doing, I said "I'm in bed"... because I was. He said "Well you should come over", so I repeated "I'm in bed" and he replies with "that's too bad" and I said, 'yeah, for you.' What am I? Some kind of hooker? NO. So I texted him the next day to invite him and his roomie (who WAS my friend) to come out to this haunted house with us. Needless to say, when I sent that text... I got his girlfriend. Yeah, GIRLFRIEND. The girlfriend he has had for '3 months'. But I basically said, "What are you doing tonight?" he says, 'hanging out with ____" and I said "you say the name like I'm supposed to know who that is" and I get a reply of "my girlfriend." and I said, 'Oh when did you get one of those? sometime after you texted me lastnight to come over?' HAHAHA. And he/she replies "We've been together 3 months"... I won't say what I said after that, but I didn't get a reply. So I just closed it out with "Since you've proven yourself to be the prick everyone says you are, lose my number and I'll definitely lose yours." So, I deleted him completely out of my phone. Haven't heard from him, don't care. Splinter has owned this little Ninja turtle. Earlier last week though, his roomie tagged me in some facebook photo that I wasn't even it... and come to find out, she logged into his FB and tagged me. What a dummy. They're meant for each other. I mean really, what are we... still in high school? Get over yourselves.

Next up, the ex. Asking about my passport does not mean I want to be with you again. Long story short, when I continued to ignore his texts he said "I can take a hint"... good job. It's funny how when they see they don't have you anymore, they want you. He doesn't deserve me. When your own mom thinks you're an idiot for screwing up, you know you really screwed up. He'll learn to appreciate what he has one day... but I refuse to let him do to his new gf what he did to me... which was cheat and talk to his ex-gf behind my back the whole time we were together. I was just an idiot. Lesson learned.

And next, Peter Pan. This kid definitely has some growing up to do. He wasn't my boyfriend but may as well have been. We were seeing each other for 9 months, nothing official... but I totally liked this kid. I had fun with him. But he's a liar. He lied from the beginning. Of course I find out halfway through it but I guess I was used to that kind of 'treatment' because of my ex that it didn't really phase me. It didn't phase me of course, until I went through something with him that I've never experienced with another person in my life and I hope I never do again for as long as I live. It ended really bad. BAD. So bad that I got really, really, drunk one night and I was laying on the kitchen floor in my t-shirt and undies and my roomie had to baby me and get some shorts on me and get me in bed. I've never been that drunk in my life and I haven't been that drunk since. That whole thing was an eye opener... that I settled for what I didn't want. Needless to say, he tries to get in touch with me a couple times a week... but I'm not goin to be his puppet and I'm definitely not his Wendy.

Which is why... even though I've met guys these past few months, I don't want to date them. Not because they're not nice guys... but because they're not what I want and I'm not going to settle. I'm not going to put myself in a position to be used, led on or hurt.

I don't know, do you ever take an interest in someone and you're not sure why but you're just so intrigued? You want to know them, their life, who hey are, how they are and what they're about. Gosh, crushes can be so overrated. I'm so confused. I don't get it. I'm interested, but the part of it ever going anywhere isn't up to me which is the frustrating part, because the other person would have to want the same thing... which is why a crush sucks, because he'll never know. The best part though, is I'm so fascinated that it has kept me out of trouble involving Peter Pan, or Ninja Turtle or the Ex or any retard I've come across or has tried to pop back up... like I'm trying to be a better person without really knowing why, but it's good. Like a blessing in disguise. I'm not really believer in 'fate' but I often wonder why God sends peope to us, or why peple show up when they do and impact us in some way or why some people don't even stay in our lives. It's neat watching how things play out in your life based on your contact with specific people and the role they play in your life.

Anyway... needless to say, I am confused by some things. Not good at reading people. I'm good at following my gut about people, but as for reading them... not so much.

Moving on...

This song is on the Twilight 'New Moon' soundtrack, it was really catchy and I like it, a lot. Makes me want to dance around TSI with a glass of Lambic in hand. I was excited to find that they sell the black cherry flavored Lambic at Publix. It's a Belgian beer. I'm not a beer drinker but this is the closest to beer I'll ever get I'm sure.

All my life I've been searching for something
Something I can put my finger on
Maybe I've been living for the weekend
Maybe I've been living for this cyber soul
Every Friday just about midnight
All my problems seem to disappear
Everyone that I miss when I'm distant
Everybody's here

I need love
Cause only love is true
I need every wakin' hour with you
And my friends cause they're so beautiful
Yeah my friends they are so beautiful
They're my friends

All my life I've been wastin', wastin'
Wastin' all my money, all my time
All the time that I'm waitin', waitin'
Waitin for the moment you are mine
The song about yeah I'm thinkin', thinkin'
Thinkin all the things that I've done wrong
All the time yeah I was forgettin'
You were mine all along

I need love
Cause only love is true
I need every wakin' hour with you
And my friends cause they're so beautiful
Yeah my friends they are so beautiful
They're my friends

I need love
Cause only love is true
I need every wakin' hour with you
And my friends cause they're so beautiful
Yeah my friends they are so beautiful
They're my friends

They're my friends...

I should be sleeping.

Nothing to ramble about tonight. I was going to write a blog about some dude stuff that took place over the weekend that was just frustrating, but I suppose I'll hold out. Tired of talking about dudes and I'm kind of sleepy, so maybe tomorrow... until then...

I heard this song... (yes, I listen to country haha)... annnd I'd say it goes with how I feel minus the 'kiss' part... goodnight.

Emerson Drive - I Should Be Sleeping
by UniversalMusicGroup

I never knew there were such great movies
on TV at 3 AM
I'd never guessed that at midnight Tuesday
I could have pizza ordered in
I've never been a real night owl
But these days I'm all turned around
There's only one thing I'm sure of right now

chourus
I should be sleeping
'Stead of keeping
These late hours I've been keeping
I've been pacing and retracing
every step of every move
even though I'm feeling so right
I'm so happy still I know I
should be sleeping
instead of dreaming about you

I never knew that I was funny
'til I went and made you laugh
never liked a girl to call me honey
but you did and I liked that
I keep thinking about your smile
trying to read between the lines
looks like I'll be up for a while

Chorus

After just three days
and one great kiss
it's way too soon
to be obsessing like this

Chorus

Dreaming about you
I should be sleeping
dreaming about you

Well, I'm dreaming about you
Yeah

Walk you home.

It hurts a lot when you think you have the support of someone, only to find out you don't. Going to Africa means the world to me right now, I will do just about anything to go. It just hurts alot to know I'm not being taken seriously... like if I end up not being able to go it won't be a big deal, well, it IS a big deal, to me. I want to go, I have to go. It's just hard when you need as much support as you can, not just financially with something like this... but emotionally. It can be very overwhelming and disheartening when you're unsure of how the funds will come or when you feel like you won't be able to raise enough. I have a few friends that really support my decision and want to help me, and that means so much to me to know I have their help and support. It's going to get hard and I know I won't be able to do it all on my own and at times I'll probably just want to give up and say 'screw it'... so having a support system is helpful.

I was really disappointed this afternoon to find that I don't really have the full support of my parents. It's almost as if they don't want me to go. In fact, my mom said to me that she doesn't think I should go because she doesn't think I'll make enough to pay for the trip. Thanks for the faith and support mom. It was like she was coming up with reasons why I shouldn't go... one of them being "you won't even know anyone"... well, no crap... I know that and I don't care about that, that's not what I'm going for. I can make friends. I moved to Washington without knowing anyone except for my then boyfriend... and I was there for 2 years. I'm sure going to Africa, I can make friends just the same, except I'm there for 11 days, not 2 years. And my dad, whenever I talk about it... it's like he doesn't even care. It's so frustrating to feel like no one is taking you seriously. I'm excited about it, I'm passionate about it and if I have to do this alone, then I will... with or without the support of my parents. I'm just disappointed in them. I figured they'd be proud of me and want me to do this and not try to hold me back. They still treat me like I'm 12 sometimes, like I'm not capable of making rational decisions. I love them, but sometimes I wish they'd just take their blinders off and see stuff for what it is. It just really hurt a lot, all I could do was cry.

I was at their house earlier this afternoon after dropping some friends off at the airport... and I brought the trip up in conversation and that's when my mom started saying stuff. So I just got mad and left without even saying by. I was going to call and let them know how that hurt me but I decided to just send an e-mail instead. I don't feel like talking to them. They can be so overbearing sometimes. I know I'm their baby and the only girl, but jeez... you can't try to protect me and keep me under your wing forever. You gotta let me branch out and grow and just experience life. I wasn't exactly sheltered growing up and I'm glad my parents raised me the way they did... but at the same time, it's almost like they want to keep me that little kid and not let me grow up, like I can't think for myself or something. I've got a good head on my shoulders and I'm smart, I don't just do things without thinking them through and weighing the options/consequences.

I was so upset that when I got home, I started to rearrange my room. I tend to go into cleaning mode when I'm upset just to keep my mind busy and not think about why I'm upset.

I got to hang out with Tracy yesterday, (HEY TRACY! I know you're reading this haha) that was a good time. I went to work and then I met up with her at the salon, where she did my hair. She darkened my reddish highlights to a chocolate brown, but it'll fade into a lighter brown when I wash it. I like it a lot. I also got it trimmed... I'm on a mission to let my hair grow out. Then we went shopping and then to dinner and talked for a long time. Afterwards, I met up with my co-worker Ashley and we went to Warehouse 31, some haunted house in St.Augustine... it sucked. In my opinion. I want to go to a haunted house that actually scares me one day. They're always so predictible and they're not realistic enough to bother me.

Anyway, it was really good to talk to Tracy about a lot of things. She might come to Africa with me. Obviously that's a big decision, so it wouldn't upset me if she decides not to, but it'd be pretty awesome. I think it'd be a great experience for anyone. It's not everyday you come across people who can share awesome stories of places they've been and things they've seen that most people haven't and know you did it for a good cause. We came up with a lot of sweet fundraising ideas though.

So, President Obama will be on base tomorrow. Kinda crazy. I won't be able to see him though because I'll be working, but I know there will be heightened security. I go in to work at the Fitness Center at 1300 and he comes in at 1400 and leaves at 1600... which means, thank God I get there before he arrives and get off work after he departs so I don't have to deal with base traffic. It'd be neat if I got to see him but I doubt the boss will let me leave. Apparently he'll be giving a speech... I wonder what he'll be talking about.

Anyway, I'm still in a crap mood... I keep randomly crying. And I got frustrated that one of my friends texted me to ask about my FB status and asked if I was upset because of "another asshole guy". That just goes to show right there that I have been hurt a lot by guys... but for the record, when I'm upset it's not always because of some guy. I'm a pretty sensitive person as it is, I get upset when I don't spend enough time with my dog or play ball with him. Although, I was pissed about a dude yesterday but that's a blog for tomorrow :) So... here's a song for me, ha



Slow down, what's on your mind
It's alright, I'm on your side
I hate to see your injury, I wish that you could transfer all
Your pain to me
Stay here, it's ok to cry
Let me, help you make it right
Let's turn up our radio, let the bands remind you that your not
Alone
We all get low

Chorus
Even the brave may depend on someone
The moon only shines with the help of the sun
It's not as safe when your walking alone
I'll walk you home

Suns out, but it feels like rain
So I will, illuminate your day
I'm afraid I'm losing it, what's it gonna take for me to get
Through this
We'll get through this

Chorus

Bridge
Need the band to play the song
Someone's trying to keep you strong
It's harder when your on your own
Success is not the same alone
Can't have up without a down
Need the straight to have the round
I'll provide the harmony
Your song is best accompanied

Chorus

1, 2, 3, 4...

I heard this song while I was in the shower... it's a happy little song, it was making me want to dance around. I would definitely sing out loud to this song while driving or something. I had to memorize some of the words just so I could look it up. I thought it was so cute... and it is. So this song is for all my favorite couples out there a.k.a. my friends in relationships... total relationship song! haha.



1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

Give me more lovin' than I've ever had
Make it all better when I'm feelin' sad
Tell me that I'm special even when I know I'm not

Make me feel good when I hurt so bad
Barely gettin' mad, I'm so glad I found you
I love bein' around you
You make it easy, it's as easy as 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

There's only one thing to do
Three words for you I love you
There's only one way to say
Those three words and that's what I'll do, I love you

Give me more lovin' from the very start
Piece me back together when I fall apart
Tell me things you never even tell your closest friends

Make me feel good when I hurt so bad
Best that I've had, I'm so glad that I found you
I love bein' around you
You make it easy, it's as easy as 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

There's only one thing to do
Three words for you I love you
There's only one way to say
Those three words and that's what I'll do, I love you
I love you

You make it easy, it's easy as 1, 2, 1, 2, 3, 4

There's only one thing to do
Three words for you I love you
There's only one way to say
Those three words and that's what I'll do, I love you
I love you

1, 2, 3, 4
I love you
I love you

Don't go. I'll eat you up, I love you so...

I watched "Where the Wild Things Are" tonight. Talk about depressing. I feel like I'm going to cry myself to sleep. Nobody likes being/feeling alone... we're always looking for something/someone to make us happy. No matter how near or far, all you want is someone to want you as much as you want them... and that's what I want. Somehow the movie was able to let that thought sink in. No matter how old you are... you never want to feel like you don't have someone. I can't explain it, but it just made me sad... and feel lonely, but that's okay. C'est la vie.

I feel like an idiot today. I was such a dork on the phone lastnight lol. I'm a pacer, when I can't pace while talking on the phone I get nervous, no matter who I'm talking to. I think it's really bad when I talk to my grandma, not sure why. But I have to pace. And lastnight I couldn't pace... I had my phone plugged in and anyone familiar w/iphone cords should know they're really short. So I had to lay here on my bed and try to focus really hard. I don't feel like I was very outgoing. But oh well, can't do anything about it now!

I took the kids I nanny to their school fall festival today. I was really surprised at the amount of kids wandering around, alone. Where are their parents? Jeez, you'd think after Somer Thompsen was abducted, killed and thrown in the trash that parents would be a little more cautious.

Anyway, I've done really good not responding to my ex. I can't let him keep getting to me. Just because he sees that I have moved on and wants what he can't have, as usual... he wants to try talking to me. I'm just over it... I don't want to reply to his texts and say 'leave me alone' or something because then he'll just blow up my phone again and want to talk about it. So I'm better off continuing to ignore any contact.

For the record: I'm not desperate and I'm not 'looking'. If you go back through my blogs, YES I say I'm 'lonely' and that it'd be nice to have someone... but if I were constantly looking for a 'partner'... I would be dating someone right now. Guys talk to me, I'm just not settling. There's nothing wrong with me talking to guys and knowing what I want, but why waste my time on what I know I DON'T want? They say 'just wait and it'll happen, stop searching'... well, no duh... that's what I've been saying. But for reasons that should be obvious, I can't blow off a guy I'm interested in because I would NEVER KNOW. That's why you're supposed to get to know people, to find out if they're someone you'd want to date or if they are that 'person'... that's the purpose behind dating but I'm not just going to settle and date the first nice or good looking guy to approach me. I'll be their friend and get to know them, but that's all I can give them until I know they meet my standards. I'm not settling. I'm not changing for anyone. And that's that. So to 'anonymous', even though I know who you are... I don't think I'm on the prowl and desperately seeking someone... I'm just anxious and excited at the fact that there IS someone out there for me and I've yet to meet them... which is why I won't settle. And yes, I have a crush... but he doesn't even know it. So if I'm just that desperate I'm pretty sure I would settle for one of the 3 guys that wanted to take me out in the last 2-3 weeks, but I said no because 1.) I'm not interested and 2.) I know what they're after. Anyway, that comment just really bothered me. Like an assumption was being made about me when that's not the case at all. Knowing what I want and not settling is way different than "looking" and not living, because trust me... I'm living life. I'm happy and I'm content with being single, but what's wrong with dreaming and knowing I want more than that... I'm just waiting for it to happen and the right guy to come along.

I've been through a lot and for that, I'm thankful... the experiences have made me a lot stronger and are the whole reason I know what I want and will not settle. I've learned that I can handle any distance (since my ex was deployed for 8 months)... I think if you can handle being apart and not screw up shows a certain level of commitment, being apart like that has also made me strong and not dependent on the other half... I know I can survive and function and still enjoy life and have fun, that my own life shouldn't be put on hold for someone I'm in a relationship with... although, I do feel it is necessary to build a relationship on a friendship for stability purposes but I also feel it is necessary to grow together in your relationship with your partner and keep your identity, I've learned that throwing in the towel is not an option(not with me anyway)... you have to communicate and work through things, not just run from a problem and hope a solution magically shows up, honesty is essential, eqaulity is important. I've been through enough to the point where I know what I don't want to deal with or go through again because I KNOW what I deserve and I know what I want and I know by not settling that eventually I will get what I want, and I know there's a guy out there that wants a girl like me... and we'll meet, at some point.

On that note...
I feel like I did something wrong... well, no... not really that. I just don't really know what I'm doing or how to go about things. I talked to my friend Ashley today (co-worker, not roomie) about my thoughts, especially on this little infatuation/crush. Basically, I was told "what have you got to lose" and to continue letting things unfold. It is what it is. I told her that this guy isn't just a step up for me, but a whole staircase... he exceeds everything that I want on many levels. Too good to be true but he's true... just wish I had a chance.

Guess I'll go to bed now... I have to be in to work at 8:45... it's 2am...
So this Dashboard Confessional video is the acoustic version of 2 of my most favorite songs off the 'dusk and summer' album. They definitely go with how I feel... sooo, here it is.